the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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