There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
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