Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
