final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
