Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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