If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
