This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
