I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
