Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
