Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.