No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.