no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.