So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
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i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
You know, be my cock's hype man.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
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You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha