We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
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I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
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You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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