She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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