If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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