gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
