I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I skipped work to stalk him.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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