i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
