he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
It's blow job season.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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