Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
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I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
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No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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