Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
