noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Drake has all the answers
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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