Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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