i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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