he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
