You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b