When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
23 People Have Step Parents That Are Younger Than Them
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.