we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.