I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.