it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
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My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
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mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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