My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
