The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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