So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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