Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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