uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
My vagina is officially offended.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
