twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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