I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
