How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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