So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
