A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
