I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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