She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
