i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
