i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
