he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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