I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
