I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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