Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
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Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
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I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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