I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
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The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
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I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
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