I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
