walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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