when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
