i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize