very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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