I wish my penis had an off switch
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
did you just send me my own nude
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
All I want is dick and wine.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
