Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
