Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Randomize
