Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
