I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Randomize
